I'm Tired

My due date is coming up....and the days that I thought would get easier, have only progressively gotten worse. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of not even being able to walk in parts of Wal-Mart or Target because I will have to walk past the baby section, which leads to an emotional breakdown and me in a corner of the store to avoid being seen while I sob uncontrollably for minutes. I'm tired of taking pills so I don't feel anything, and feeling everything when I don't take them.

And mostly.... I'm tired of wondering why God hates me so much that He destroyed my life and took my baby. I've wondered that for four long months, but I have never written it or spoke it out loud, but I feel it. Honestly I don't believe that he hates me....and I don't think he took Xavier from me or destroyed my life. But I have that thought daily...I don't mean to think it, and I don't believe it, but it creeps into my brain every day. The same way that I wish every day that I wouldn't wake up again....I don't mean it...and I wouldn't want to leave my girls for anything....but it's those little thoughts that pop into my head all day every day every minute...
It's been four months yesterday since I had my little baby. No one remembers dates. Just me. I'm alone with my memories. I'm the only one that deals with it every second. No one talks about him. I think people just expect me to be over him....to pretend like he never existed....to pretend that I didn't feel him kick, hear his heart beat, see his little picture on a black and white screen...

Adalia sat with me last night as I cried....she shouldn't have to take care of me, she's only four. But she said, "I'm sorry you miss your baby mommy. I know you thought he would come home with us. But don't cry, I think he's playing with Old Papa now."
If only I had the wisdom of a child....life would be easier. If only everyone knew the right things to say, like she does. I would pay for innocence like that....To honestly believe that life will be okay. Maybe I'm being selfish....holding on to Xavier, instead of letting him go....He is, after all, with some of the best people in the world...people I would give anything for, to just spend another hour with.

I think that God loves me...I think that maybe He cried with me, maybe He still cries with me....I wish I understood....I wish there was a book of answers for all of life's questions....something that would make everything make perfect sense....