My First Christmas in Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below,
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow,
The sight is so spectacular, mommy wipe away the tear,
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the Many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, daddy, you know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift from my heavenly home above,
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold,
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do,
For I can't count the blessings or love he has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and please wipe away that tear,
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
October 15~Pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day
October 15th is a national day of rememberance for pregnancy and infant loss. Embrace that you are not alone. Spread the word and have the entire world thinking of all of our angels
http://www.october15th.com/
Wave of light on October 15 Everyone is invited to light a candle on October 15th at 7pm in ALL time zones, ALL over the world.
If everyone lights a candle at 7pm and keeps it burning for at least one hour, there will be a continuous WAVE OF LIGHT over the entire world on October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
If you don't have a baby to light a candle for~light one for little Xavier~Love-Katie
http://www.october15th.com/
Wave of light on October 15 Everyone is invited to light a candle on October 15th at 7pm in ALL time zones, ALL over the world.
If everyone lights a candle at 7pm and keeps it burning for at least one hour, there will be a continuous WAVE OF LIGHT over the entire world on October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
If you don't have a baby to light a candle for~light one for little Xavier~Love-Katie
Monday, August 25, 2008
I'm Tired
My due date is coming up....and the days that I thought would get easier, have only progressively gotten worse. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of not even being able to walk in parts of Wal-Mart or Target because I will have to walk past the baby section, which leads to an emotional breakdown and me in a corner of the store to avoid being seen while I sob uncontrollably for minutes. I'm tired of taking pills so I don't feel anything, and feeling everything when I don't take them.
And mostly.... I'm tired of wondering why God hates me so much that He destroyed my life and took my baby. I've wondered that for four long months, but I have never written it or spoke it out loud, but I feel it. Honestly I don't believe that he hates me....and I don't think he took Xavier from me or destroyed my life. But I have that thought daily...I don't mean to think it, and I don't believe it, but it creeps into my brain every day. The same way that I wish every day that I wouldn't wake up again....I don't mean it...and I wouldn't want to leave my girls for anything....but it's those little thoughts that pop into my head all day every day every minute...
It's been four months yesterday since I had my little baby. No one remembers dates. Just me. I'm alone with my memories. I'm the only one that deals with it every second. No one talks about him. I think people just expect me to be over him....to pretend like he never existed....to pretend that I didn't feel him kick, hear his heart beat, see his little picture on a black and white screen...
Adalia sat with me last night as I cried....she shouldn't have to take care of me, she's only four. But she said, "I'm sorry you miss your baby mommy. I know you thought he would come home with us. But don't cry, I think he's playing with Old Papa now."
If only I had the wisdom of a child....life would be easier. If only everyone knew the right things to say, like she does. I would pay for innocence like that....To honestly believe that life will be okay. Maybe I'm being selfish....holding on to Xavier, instead of letting him go....He is, after all, with some of the best people in the world...people I would give anything for, to just spend another hour with.
I think that God loves me...I think that maybe He cried with me, maybe He still cries with me....I wish I understood....I wish there was a book of answers for all of life's questions....something that would make everything make perfect sense....
And mostly.... I'm tired of wondering why God hates me so much that He destroyed my life and took my baby. I've wondered that for four long months, but I have never written it or spoke it out loud, but I feel it. Honestly I don't believe that he hates me....and I don't think he took Xavier from me or destroyed my life. But I have that thought daily...I don't mean to think it, and I don't believe it, but it creeps into my brain every day. The same way that I wish every day that I wouldn't wake up again....I don't mean it...and I wouldn't want to leave my girls for anything....but it's those little thoughts that pop into my head all day every day every minute...
It's been four months yesterday since I had my little baby. No one remembers dates. Just me. I'm alone with my memories. I'm the only one that deals with it every second. No one talks about him. I think people just expect me to be over him....to pretend like he never existed....to pretend that I didn't feel him kick, hear his heart beat, see his little picture on a black and white screen...
Adalia sat with me last night as I cried....she shouldn't have to take care of me, she's only four. But she said, "I'm sorry you miss your baby mommy. I know you thought he would come home with us. But don't cry, I think he's playing with Old Papa now."
If only I had the wisdom of a child....life would be easier. If only everyone knew the right things to say, like she does. I would pay for innocence like that....To honestly believe that life will be okay. Maybe I'm being selfish....holding on to Xavier, instead of letting him go....He is, after all, with some of the best people in the world...people I would give anything for, to just spend another hour with.
I think that God loves me...I think that maybe He cried with me, maybe He still cries with me....I wish I understood....I wish there was a book of answers for all of life's questions....something that would make everything make perfect sense....
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Tell him that I love him....
Here is a poem I thought I'd share that I found online...My heart aches every day for my little boy...just when I think days are getting easier, things get harder...the days I call my husband to sob to him at work because my heart hurts so bad....I cannot imagine that my pain will ever stop...that this hole will ever be filled...I'm sure things will get easier as the months go by...but why do the days seem to last forever...........
Here's the poem:
God I know you gave your only son to give us life with you,
But we didn't want our son to leave cause he was precious too.
Somehow I took for granted, Lord, that we would have a lifetime
and I made so many future plans for that precious son of mine.
We were chosen to become the family of a very special child
Who would come to earth from heaven only for awhile
This was to become our destiny, and, Why? We need not know
For a parents greatest gift is to nurture and love a child with a perfect soul
Our child was like a ray of perfection and could not journey long
The source of power being God himself quietly calling him home
God came for you in silence so swift was your depart
He holds you now eternally and we'll hold you forever in our hearts
If I could take a minute out of each and every day
To hold you close to my heart and kiss your fears away
If I could take a minute of any span of time
I'd never waste a second of the pleasures that were mine
If you could crawl upon my knee and lay your sleepy head,
Upon my shoulder tenderly and dream of gingerbread.
I'd spend my time in total bliss and watch you grow
From babyhood to childhood, knowing all there is to know
If I could stop my aching heart and put my mind asleep
If I could stop the flow of tears that are always on my cheek
I only need a minute, Lord, I know he's safe with you
But there's something real important that I had no time to do
If you could do it for me, Lord, Here's a message he should know
Tell him that I love him, and then I'll let him go
Here's the poem:
God I know you gave your only son to give us life with you,
But we didn't want our son to leave cause he was precious too.
Somehow I took for granted, Lord, that we would have a lifetime
and I made so many future plans for that precious son of mine.
We were chosen to become the family of a very special child
Who would come to earth from heaven only for awhile
This was to become our destiny, and, Why? We need not know
For a parents greatest gift is to nurture and love a child with a perfect soul
Our child was like a ray of perfection and could not journey long
The source of power being God himself quietly calling him home
God came for you in silence so swift was your depart
He holds you now eternally and we'll hold you forever in our hearts
If I could take a minute out of each and every day
To hold you close to my heart and kiss your fears away
If I could take a minute of any span of time
I'd never waste a second of the pleasures that were mine
If you could crawl upon my knee and lay your sleepy head,
Upon my shoulder tenderly and dream of gingerbread.
I'd spend my time in total bliss and watch you grow
From babyhood to childhood, knowing all there is to know
If I could stop my aching heart and put my mind asleep
If I could stop the flow of tears that are always on my cheek
I only need a minute, Lord, I know he's safe with you
But there's something real important that I had no time to do
If you could do it for me, Lord, Here's a message he should know
Tell him that I love him, and then I'll let him go
Friday, May 16, 2008
Blackout
I made it through today..... I've known this day was coming for the past three weeks...the day that I had looked forward to with much anticipation....only to find it now...blacked out on my dayplanner and my wall calendar. I would have been 21 weeks today..and my ultrasound was scheduled for 9:30 this morning and I had hoped that we would find out what the sex of our baby was. After I lost Xavier, I blacked them out on my calendars..thinking that would help. But I know what is blacked out there...the same way I avoid the baby section at Target...but I still know why I'm avoiding it. In reality, had I made it to this ultrasound today...the outcome would have still been the same.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of my little baby...My body still reminds me...that there is no longer a baby there...I know I will get through this...but I don't really think each day gets easier...some days are easier...some are harder, somedays I wish I would never wake up again....It seems like every day is filled with gentle reminders of what should have been...and what never will be....
Not a day goes by that I don't think of my little baby...My body still reminds me...that there is no longer a baby there...I know I will get through this...but I don't really think each day gets easier...some days are easier...some are harder, somedays I wish I would never wake up again....It seems like every day is filled with gentle reminders of what should have been...and what never will be....
Thursday, April 24, 2008
My Boy
I've been waiting to wake up...the past day like a dream...the most surreal, heartbreaking moment of my entire life...seems like it took seconds and lasted a million years.
My little boy was born today. At only nearly 18 weeks old, and he was perfect in everyway. Down to his little fingers and eyes and ears. Ten fingers and ten toes. My 7 inch, 3.2 oz little baby. As I held him today, I couldn't help but think of all the hopes and dreams we had for him. Xavier Ty...The name we'd saved for him for the last five years.
I can't begin to ask why, or for what purpose taking my little boy from me so early, but late enough that I felt him and why his heart beat for weeks and stopped so suddenly. "Who told us, we'd be rescued, what has changed and why should we be saved, from nightmares?" Just because we believe in God, and trust in him, doesn't mean that terrible things are not going to happen to us. There is only the promise that when the worst happens that he will be there to hold us.
My little boy was born today. At only nearly 18 weeks old, and he was perfect in everyway. Down to his little fingers and eyes and ears. Ten fingers and ten toes. My 7 inch, 3.2 oz little baby. As I held him today, I couldn't help but think of all the hopes and dreams we had for him. Xavier Ty...The name we'd saved for him for the last five years.
I can't begin to ask why, or for what purpose taking my little boy from me so early, but late enough that I felt him and why his heart beat for weeks and stopped so suddenly. "Who told us, we'd be rescued, what has changed and why should we be saved, from nightmares?" Just because we believe in God, and trust in him, doesn't mean that terrible things are not going to happen to us. There is only the promise that when the worst happens that he will be there to hold us.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Yet I will praise Him...
Psalm 43
2 You are God my stronghold.
Why have you rejected me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?
3 Send forth your light and your truth,
let them guide me;
let them bring me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you dwell.
4 Then will I go to the altar of God,
to God, my joy and my delight.
I will praise you with the harp,
O God, my God.
5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
2 You are God my stronghold.
Why have you rejected me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?
3 Send forth your light and your truth,
let them guide me;
let them bring me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you dwell.
4 Then will I go to the altar of God,
to God, my joy and my delight.
I will praise you with the harp,
O God, my God.
5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Just a Little Somethings
Category is: Things to Ponder
This is global warming? This is IOWA...back to normal...like when I was a kid and Pekin went to school when there was two feet of snow on the ground and if your bus got stuck you walked to where the next one was to pick you up. Quentin has never experienced a REAL IOWA WINTER in the almost seven years he has lived here....and he hates it.
I hate being sick. What is the point of sickness. I will ask God that someday...but in the mean time..I will sit here and be miserable with my lungs feeling like they're on fire and not being able to breath out my nose...hoping that my antibiotics kick in soon....and...why did my insurance only cover 3/5 pills...and I have to go back on Thursday and "refill" for the other 2??? crazy?
Who thought up having secrets? I hate keeping secrets...obviously. There is no torment like keeping a terribly good secret to yourself!
Wheel of Fortune is on now...and I was just thinking "has Vanna ever tripped and fallen EVER when doing this show?" How can someone walk around in the heels, night after night, year after year and NEVER fall? If she has fallen...and you know it...you HAVE to let me know....no SECRETS!
Why does know one come by your house until your kids have completely torn it apart, you have laundrey dumped all over the couch, the dishes are in the sink and on the counter...and there is still milk and stuck on cereal from breakfast this morning on the kitchen table???? Tell me WHY?????? Why can't you come when my house is clean???? I promise! IT ISN'T ALWAYS LIKE THIS!
OKAY-that's all now.....happy snow!
This is global warming? This is IOWA...back to normal...like when I was a kid and Pekin went to school when there was two feet of snow on the ground and if your bus got stuck you walked to where the next one was to pick you up. Quentin has never experienced a REAL IOWA WINTER in the almost seven years he has lived here....and he hates it.
I hate being sick. What is the point of sickness. I will ask God that someday...but in the mean time..I will sit here and be miserable with my lungs feeling like they're on fire and not being able to breath out my nose...hoping that my antibiotics kick in soon....and...why did my insurance only cover 3/5 pills...and I have to go back on Thursday and "refill" for the other 2??? crazy?
Who thought up having secrets? I hate keeping secrets...obviously. There is no torment like keeping a terribly good secret to yourself!
Wheel of Fortune is on now...and I was just thinking "has Vanna ever tripped and fallen EVER when doing this show?" How can someone walk around in the heels, night after night, year after year and NEVER fall? If she has fallen...and you know it...you HAVE to let me know....no SECRETS!
Why does know one come by your house until your kids have completely torn it apart, you have laundrey dumped all over the couch, the dishes are in the sink and on the counter...and there is still milk and stuck on cereal from breakfast this morning on the kitchen table???? Tell me WHY?????? Why can't you come when my house is clean???? I promise! IT ISN'T ALWAYS LIKE THIS!
OKAY-that's all now.....happy snow!
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