Dear Xavier,

Hi, it's mommy. But you already know that, don't you! I'm just writing to make sure you remember how much we love and miss you. It's been a year this week and I'll bet you've gotten to be such a big boy. I wish I could see if you have Mika's curly hair. I always thought you would. Your sisters ask about you all the time. The Easter Bunny showed up a while back, and I couldn't help but think that you probably would have loved to crawl around and find some eggs yourself! And I would have let you have the candy inside...probably.

I want you to know that we haven't forgotten you. No one has. I don't even know how that would be possible. You spent your whole life, as short as it was, bringing me nothing but happiness, dreams, and a joy that I have never known. And you have touched my life in a way that only you could. You taught me how deeply a heart can love. My heart hasn't stopped aching for you since you left.

I'm sorry if my grieving for you has held you back from any of the pleasures of Heaven that I know are there for you. But I can't help but cry. For months, all my dreams for our little family's future included you, everything that I thought it would be had a part of you in it, and I'm not ready to let go. You understand, don't you? Nothing seems right without you.

I hope you're having fun! It's okay to have fun, okay? I know a lot of times we are sad because you're not here, but please play! There are so many people with you that we love and that we know are taking such good care of you. I have met some other mommies who have babies up there too. I'll bet you guys are playing together...that makes me smile.

It seems like yesterday that I held you and said goodbye. But it won't be forever. We'll be up there when God's ready for us. Until then, remember this..."I love you right up to the moon-and back."

Love,
Mommy, Daddy, and your Big Sisters

He has calmed greater waters, higher mountains have come down...

Went to the doctor this morning. It was a great appointment. He said we are going to start running blood tests on April 29th, testing, TSH, Prolactin, and Progesterone. Waiting that long because we need to be at CD21 for correct readings in order to be able to diagnose a problem. Depending on the results of those, most likely I will start round 1 of Clomid with possible progesterone supplements next cycle. He did say that the possibility of twins will increase 3-5% with the Clomid...but that is perfectly fine with me. I will gladly take two if that's what I am given. Just give me my baby!!!!!

On a more somber note, I really felt the Lord speaking to me yesterday. It came out of the blue as I was sitting at my desk anxiously waiting for today's appointment. And the message I got was....Even if I get pregnant, it's not going to satisfy my desire for "that" baby. In this quest to get PG again, i have lost sight of the reality that it's not any baby I want, it's Xavier. I want my seven month old baby here right now.When I think of getting PG, I'm not thinking of going through a pregnancy, and have only processed getting PG starting at a seven month old child. I feel really challenged to look at a pregnancy as starting over...a new beginning. A new child will NOT be Xavier. My new baby shouldn't have to live in Xavier's great shadow. It wouldn't be fair.

Oh, but I miss him. I wish he were here with us, sitting in the high chair at the table with us. Crawling around the floor on the dog, being tortured by his sisters. Lord, you've calmed greater waters, higher mountains have come down that what we face. Lord, give us peace and sound mind to accept reality for what it is. Xavier is gone. No new baby will bring him back. But a baby will bring healing and new beginnings. *sigh*

Be Grateful

Last night I heard a person talking about how they didn't spend time with their baby for a few days because they were in a bad mood, and having a bad time, and didn't want the baby to make them more angry. I couldn't even talk to this person afterwards. I don't know when I will be able to again. I'm wondering how self absorbed you have to be to announce that you couldn't spend time with your baby because it might make you ANGRY?? and you say it in front of someone that you know would give ANYTHING IN THE WORLD to have their little baby back. Are you freaking kidding me? Even if you were using it as an example...something to prove a point...can you at least be AWARE enough of who your audience is.

In the morning I have my doctor's appointment. I am scared as heck that they won't do anything to help me. Probably tell me to lose weight and then we will talk. That is my worst fear. I'm wishing I would have realized how much weight I put on after starting that Zoloft before it was too late. Now I can't freaking lose a stinkin' pound. I joined Weight Watchers and gained five pounds. I think the hormones in my body are very off.

I just want you to fix things God. I know you don't owe me an explanation for any of this....but it would be nice if you could clue me in on things once and a while.

Answers

After a year of TTC, we may finally get some answers, and hopefully some quick fixes or solutions to our "problem." Friday, April 17th, at 8:00 we go to the OB for an appointment to discuss our infertility and options. Hopefully there won't be a lot of tests. I'm not 100% sure how my body will react walking back into the clinic. The last time i was there was last May for my after delivery follow up appointment. I cried the entire time. My doctor is very compassionate about our situation and I'm hoping that he can assure us that soon we can see our BFP and get over this devasting time in our lives.

Been thinking a lot about how to honor little Xavier on april 24th. His Birthday...i guess. I think we may go take some balloons over and tie them around his marker. And maybe a new pinwheel. He lost his other one over the winter. He should be having his six month pictures at this time...Not laying in the ground while we figure out what to get him. I know he's not there anyway...he's in Heaven...playing with my grandparents I'm sure! They probably are loving him like crazy. Just wish I could have had him first....even for an hour for him to have been awake. I miss that baby smell. I haven't held a baby since I held him. And my next child will be the next baby I hold. I'm not to that point yet...not even to the point where I can attend a baby shower without wishing I would die. But I have faith...soon I will hold my little baby. I know God will bless us again....I just wish I knew when.

On a positive note...We have T-Ball practice again tonight. Maybe. It's so darn cold and damp. The girls had a great Easter and looked beautiful in their Easter dresses. I'm glad I have them. They give me a reason to wake up every morning. Dominique can snap her fingers now, but Adalia cannot. So Dominique runs around Adalia snapping her fingers saying" Can you do this?" knowing very well that she cannot. It's humerous...for a while.

Still I will praise you....

I've struggled to find a forum where I can write our story, without worrying about being judged, or even pitied those that know us. I'm sure there may be people that pop up on here, who may know our little family, and that's fine. I hate telling our story. I hate talking about it to people I know, but I need to talk about it. I don't mind sharing with the public. I think it's because individuals "out there" don't want answers to questions. They don't have to fumble around for the right words to say. I can just talk without worrying that the other person is going to say something stupid while trying to say the "right thing." And I can keep my little boy alive by talking about him, without feeling like you want me to get over him.

Our little boy....Xavier. Sometimes I feel like my life ended when his heart stopped beating. Sometimes I can't remember life before he was created. Mostly, I wish things were as they are when I close my eyes and picture him here. How big he would be...how he should be sitting between his sisters in the Easter pictures...but he's gone. In fact, he always has been. I'm the mommy of an angel....and baby I never held alive. I remember looking at his chest, thinking it would rise at any second, but it never did. A breath of air never passed his little lips.

I've finally gotten past believing that God did this to punish me for something. I've asked God to forgive me for this intense hatred I've carried for him. I know there is a reason. There has to be. Somehow it will all be revealed to me. And now, I know nothing can bring Xavier back to me. But I can go on...praising God...even now...and praying that he will grant us the desire of our heart...Another child. It's been nearly a year since we buried our little boy...nearly year of trying to conceive another child, and I have to believe that God has great plans for our next child, and that the delay is needed for him to meet the plans that God has for him or her. We have never had difficulties getting pregnant, and we must have faith that God will work this all for good.

I sound so positive don't I? I'm not. Not at all. But I have faith, I really do.