Goodbye My Friend

Have you ever had someone walk into your life and touch you so deeply that you will never be the same again? Five years this past weekend, I lost her. I was just a young girl when I met Mary Lee Krieger for the first time. I was scared when my mom introduced me to my new teacher. But my life would never be the same again. She became my confidant, teacher,and in some ways my best friend. My days went from hours of lessons, to sipping green tea in the sun room. From playing amazing flute duets together, to talking about my boyfriends and school. I loved her, love her. She brought me a beautiful scarf from Japan, and silver jewlery that she knew I'd love. And we laugh together, drinking diet coke in the kitchen and trying out new canned food she brought from Japan. It was nasty, but I ate it anyway because she was so excited about me trying it.

I remember being so sad when she'd have to get up during our lessons run to the bathroom because she was sick. When the cancer started eating her body. When they moved the hospital bed into her living room and the lessons stopped. and it was just me and my friend. I remember coming home from college and visiting while she lay on the couch sick. She asked me to play what I had been working on. and I played for her and she apologized to me for leading me in a path that she thought I regretted...but I didn't. Because what she gave me changed my life forever.

I remember when it was the final days. When her frail body could hardly speak. and it was better they said if I didn't come as often. she was too weak and tired. I prayed for her to get better, but she didn't. and then I got the call. She was gone. In the days to follow there was no funeral, no burial, no place to mourn. the family's wishes.

My beautiful flute lays there. nothing sounds the same as it did when we played together in front of the big window, and I still picture the big grand piano that we played on every Saturday as I drive by your house.I don't think anyone ever understood me the way you did. I buy green tea, but it doesn't taste the way it did on those afternoons where we talked and laughed, and you told me about your husband Franklin and what a great man he was. But you are with him now.. and I will see you someday. But until then, I miss you my dear, dear friend.

Royalty

I can't explain exactly what I've been feeling lately. So very down on myself, moping around like nothing is going right. Feeling quite worthless really. I was driving in my car the other day listening to a prophetic worship CD, I think maybe just hoping that God would reach down and give me something to wake me up and slap me in the face, something to pull me out of this dark daze I've been living in. I've been feeling like the worst mom ever, and mostly because my laundry isn't done and my house isn't clean....stupid I know. I've been working late hours and every Saturday and just can't get it all done. My kids could care less about their laundry or if my bar is cleaned off, but it really makes me feel like less of a person. But it's more than about that really...I don't know...there are so many things going on and I can't touch on them all, but all of it accummulated has made me feel genuinely worthless.
Anyway, back to driving in my car, listening to my music...I really felt God speak to me and say, "How dare you stand up and sing 'King of Kings' but refuse to believe that as my child you are anything less than royalty." Amy Bradley spoke about Royalty at our women's retreat just last November, and I am thinking back about what she said now. How do I see myself? I listed so many things...worthless.....lazy.....ugly.....on and on and on....not one positive thing about me.....The song she played...."I remember the day that you stopped believing that you were a princess....and my heart cried....and tears rolled down like a river." I remember that day too....."I'm gathering you, I'm gathering every piece of your broken heart that's been scattered and making it new." My heart feels broken by so many things...so many disappointments...."When will you see yourself for the queen you are?"

I pray that God would give me the strength to stand up and believe that I am a royalty, a daughter of the King. That he would send his grace on me, to let me know that even through my shortcomings, I am so much more than my failures. My failures and disappoinments in life do not define who I am as a person in Christ. Let me know the power of Your unconditional love and grace.