Still I will praise you...

Have you ever just been through with someone? You know, you can't pinpoint the exact time or the specific incident, but you just know you are through? I've been feeling that way about so many things lately. Being through with someone and something...just because life's to short to struggle with it. And it hurts almost in a non exisitant way....you want it to hurt, but it doesn't....you want to care but you can't so much...but that non existant hurt is enough to keep you holding on to that last string and you just want to let go so you can breath again, but that glimmer of hope that it's all in your mind, keeps you clinging...and there's the hurt of having to face the fact that maybe it was all in your mind in the first place.

It's hard truths to face sometimes in life...
That a friend probably never was a friend to begin with... that my passion is only my passion and that I can't rely on someone to keep it up for me...that cliques aren't just for high school, and it still hurts when you can't belong...that no matter how great of a person you are, there will be people who just don't like you....

I've always been a pretty good judge of character...being able to see people for what they are...and I think that's why I'm so good at my job. But i didn't look long and hard at the people that I surround myself with, because you think you're safe with the people you call friends....you always assume that your friends will support your dreams and your passions....but make a crucial mistake of not making sure those people were friends in the first place....and sometimes they aren't...

I want to lay out my issues....the thing that I am struggling with so much right now...but I can't....because I'm so concerned with offending people or causing conflict, that I can't resolve my own feelings to protect others....and it's so crazy because those people that I want to protect, wouldn't think twice probably of hurting me...and they have...in fact...and that's why I'm writing today....I am so torn apart trying to make decisions that could end a long chapter in my life, that I never thought I would want to let go of.....and I don't want to let go of....but maybe I need to in order to save my dignity and self-worth. Because, in all honesty, I have felt my self-confidence and feeling of self worth slip over the past month or so...because of certain things that have happened, that I would hope weren't even intentional....

I had a dream a while back that involved a certain area of my life that I don't usually dream about. I shared this dream with only 2 people. Now I see what it was about...not about the area as a whole, but about my part in it...and while I don't want to get into it....it is certainly starting to coincide with my current situation.

I have rambled so much and in such a vague way, I know....I don't know if anyone reads my blogs, but this was pretty much for my own benefit, to talk things out to myself...please pray for me, that God would show me the way to deal with this situation.