Blackout

I made it through today..... I've known this day was coming for the past three weeks...the day that I had looked forward to with much anticipation....only to find it now...blacked out on my dayplanner and my wall calendar. I would have been 21 weeks today..and my ultrasound was scheduled for 9:30 this morning and I had hoped that we would find out what the sex of our baby was. After I lost Xavier, I blacked them out on my calendars..thinking that would help. But I know what is blacked out there...the same way I avoid the baby section at Target...but I still know why I'm avoiding it. In reality, had I made it to this ultrasound today...the outcome would have still been the same.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of my little baby...My body still reminds me...that there is no longer a baby there...I know I will get through this...but I don't really think each day gets easier...some days are easier...some are harder, somedays I wish I would never wake up again....It seems like every day is filled with gentle reminders of what should have been...and what never will be....