Crossroads

I have to be honest. I am depressed. I find myself happy, and then raging angry. I'm not just saying I'm sad, or I'm "depressed" as in having a bad day. I am DEPRESSED as in my brain not firing correctly, me not really caring if I get up in the morning. I have no motivation to do anything really.

I am fed up with the people around me. I'm sorry they don't get it. I wish I could explain to you what it is about, what goes on in my head, why sometimes I snap. I can't. All I can say is that you will never experience what I have experienced. Even if you go through the same situation that I have been through, your pain will not be the same as mine. No two people grieve the same. I know it would be so much easier for you, if I would forget that I ever had Xavier. But I did...Do you not think that, if I could, I would stop the random flashbacks that I have, that I would stop the panic attacks, and that I could go back to life before....that I would have my baby and he would be perfect?????? Do you think I love to have nightmares? Do you think I LOVE being INFERTILE??? The worst thing you could say to me is "You have your girls that need you" DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THIS? I love my girls and, to be quite honest, they are probably the only reason I am still here. But throwning that in my face does not help anything.

There are people right now, that when I'm around them, I feel like I sink into a black hole. And I am seriously thinking that I need to distance myself from them until I can get myself back. Is it going to be easy? Absolutely not. But continuing to put on a mask just to make it through is just the same as self harm. I can't deal with this right now. The secrets, the hiding things, just ALL OF IT......I cant' take it. I'm sorry that you don't get that. I've changed. And most of the time, I don't like who I've changed into....but I don't know what the hell to do about it. And I probably shouldn't be around you and you around me.

Maybe I'm just blowing steam. I hate confrontation. I just want to find me again. I want you to get it....or just pretend to. Don't minimize my loss. Don't think I should be over it. Don't even pretend to understand. Don't say anything. Just let me be.