Went to the doctor this morning. It was a great appointment. He said we are going to start running blood tests on April 29th, testing, TSH, Prolactin, and Progesterone. Waiting that long because we need to be at CD21 for correct readings in order to be able to diagnose a problem. Depending on the results of those, most likely I will start round 1 of Clomid with possible progesterone supplements next cycle. He did say that the possibility of twins will increase 3-5% with the Clomid...but that is perfectly fine with me. I will gladly take two if that's what I am given. Just give me my baby!!!!!
On a more somber note, I really felt the Lord speaking to me yesterday. It came out of the blue as I was sitting at my desk anxiously waiting for today's appointment. And the message I got was....Even if I get pregnant, it's not going to satisfy my desire for "that" baby. In this quest to get PG again, i have lost sight of the reality that it's not any baby I want, it's Xavier. I want my seven month old baby here right now.When I think of getting PG, I'm not thinking of going through a pregnancy, and have only processed getting PG starting at a seven month old child. I feel really challenged to look at a pregnancy as starting over...a new beginning. A new child will NOT be Xavier. My new baby shouldn't have to live in Xavier's great shadow. It wouldn't be fair.
Oh, but I miss him. I wish he were here with us, sitting in the high chair at the table with us. Crawling around the floor on the dog, being tortured by his sisters. Lord, you've calmed greater waters, higher mountains have come down that what we face. Lord, give us peace and sound mind to accept reality for what it is. Xavier is gone. No new baby will bring him back. But a baby will bring healing and new beginnings. *sigh*
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