Still I will praise you....

I've struggled to find a forum where I can write our story, without worrying about being judged, or even pitied those that know us. I'm sure there may be people that pop up on here, who may know our little family, and that's fine. I hate telling our story. I hate talking about it to people I know, but I need to talk about it. I don't mind sharing with the public. I think it's because individuals "out there" don't want answers to questions. They don't have to fumble around for the right words to say. I can just talk without worrying that the other person is going to say something stupid while trying to say the "right thing." And I can keep my little boy alive by talking about him, without feeling like you want me to get over him.

Our little boy....Xavier. Sometimes I feel like my life ended when his heart stopped beating. Sometimes I can't remember life before he was created. Mostly, I wish things were as they are when I close my eyes and picture him here. How big he would be...how he should be sitting between his sisters in the Easter pictures...but he's gone. In fact, he always has been. I'm the mommy of an angel....and baby I never held alive. I remember looking at his chest, thinking it would rise at any second, but it never did. A breath of air never passed his little lips.

I've finally gotten past believing that God did this to punish me for something. I've asked God to forgive me for this intense hatred I've carried for him. I know there is a reason. There has to be. Somehow it will all be revealed to me. And now, I know nothing can bring Xavier back to me. But I can go on...praising God...even now...and praying that he will grant us the desire of our heart...Another child. It's been nearly a year since we buried our little boy...nearly year of trying to conceive another child, and I have to believe that God has great plans for our next child, and that the delay is needed for him to meet the plans that God has for him or her. We have never had difficulties getting pregnant, and we must have faith that God will work this all for good.

I sound so positive don't I? I'm not. Not at all. But I have faith, I really do.